Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
