I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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