i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize