you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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