Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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