Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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