did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
