my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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