I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
