I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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