so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
