Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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