I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
