Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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