You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
