after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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