I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
