first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
