Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
