we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
