I think my fart just growled at me.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
