Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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