I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Verdict: uncircumcised.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
