Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
