My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
