Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
