I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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