we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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