Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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