Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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