i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
