That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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