If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
