I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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