who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
There r osticjed everywhere
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
