We won't sleep together?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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