Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
