the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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