Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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