Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
