I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
