I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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