Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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