her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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