they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
