Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
