After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
