so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize