omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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