based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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