I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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