chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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