Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
