i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
