I only kidnapped one of them. chill
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
