If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
So squirting runs in the family.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
