He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
